She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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