Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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