I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize