What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
