Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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