You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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