Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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