i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
