Just fell off a train. Bad.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
