bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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