Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
