There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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