What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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