i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
