Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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