I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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