Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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