I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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