So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
