Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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