I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
