it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
