I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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