how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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