2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
