i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Randomize
