people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
