just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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