If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
