it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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