I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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