HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
