I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize