I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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