his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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