the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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