Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
