Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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