Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
