I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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