I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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