i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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