He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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