God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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