Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize