1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize