Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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