I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
