He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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