So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
