After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
