I only kidnapped one of them. chill
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
