She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The beer is more important than you right now.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
