I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
