And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
