and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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