Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
