Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
